Not Even Close

Tom rested his hands on the control panel with an inaudible sigh. His fingers stilled against the cool surface, and he raised his head to the viewscreen. His eyes narrowed slightly as he looked out into the blackness, following the streaks of light that the stars had become.

“Warp 3, Captain, on agreed heading. “

Janeway nodded briskly, striding over to the Ops station to talk to Harry Kim. While the two heads bowed low over the Ops screen, Tom ventured a glance backwards.
He flickered his eyes slowly round, turning his body fractionally, trying to maintain his breathing and keep his hands still. He gripped the control panel with long, sensitive  fingers as he glanced over at the Commander’s chair.

Chakotay was leaning back, legs stretched out in front of him, one arm lying loosely across his lap, the other leaning on the chair arm, his head resting in his hand, fingertips absently tangling in his short, dark hair. Tom smiled gently, his fingers reflexively tightening and loosening in time with Chakotay’s.

Tom knew the exact texture, the slight roughness of the short strands, the way it tapered to the soft skin at the nape of the neck, the way his thumbs would catch and then release in the cropped hair that framed open, expressive features

Chakotay tensed slightly, and let his hand slip from his face. As his hand trailed down his cheek he looked up suddenly, brown eyes  locking instantaneously with grey, targeted  with weapon precision. His fingers dropped as if burnt, and his serious face burst into a smile of incredible intensity. He shifted in the chair, shoulders pulling back, legs flexing,  his dazzling grin widening in response to Tom’s sudden sharp intake of breath.

Tom felt his stomach muscles tighten, and his skin begin to radiate heat. Just as he began to return Chakotay’s grin, he heard Janeaway back away from Ops, and sensed her movement towards Chakotay’s side. He broke eye contact with obvious difficulty, and composed his face. The memory of Chakotay’s passionate smile made it difficult to concentrate, and he hoped the Commander was having similar difficulty. He didn’t dare check.

Later, lying on his bed in his quarters, Chakotay remembered Tom’s discomfort with a more reflective smile than the one he had blinded the pilot with on the bridge.
He lay very still, his body quiet and languid, one hand behind his head, the other resting bonelessly on his stomach, fingers curled. His eyes closed as he remembered the way their eyes had found each other, and he felt his palm move slowly over his belly, fingers stroking the soft hair that tapered down his torso, following the line of it as it thickened and coarsened.

His breathing was slow and deep, his chest rising and falling as his hand trailed down his body. The languor of his earlier mood was shifting, his body felt tighter, his skin was hot to the touch. Chakotay made a small, inarticulate sound and sat up abruptly. His eyes were still closed, and his body was now a study in taut readiness. It was time to take the next step.

Tom was pacing his quarters when he heard the comm channel beep softly.

“ At last…” he murmured, his blue-grey eyes suddenly very dark. He paced another circuit of the room, to try and even out his heart-rate, but his hands clenched and unclenched revealingly, and his mouth trembled with the effort of not laughing with nervous delight.

A few moments later he presented himself at the door of Chakotay’s quarters, eyes wide with desire, hands forced into fists  by his sides. Chakotay stood close to the door as it opened, and watched Tom closely as he stepped through it.


Tom’s voice was low and rough, he had seen and felt the man’s emotional turmoil just hours ago, and they hadn’t spoken off duty since. Chakotay had clearly been deeply affected by his emotional response to Tom after the poisoning incident, and Tom needed to be sure that the Commander no longer felt afraid. He stepped closer, and then stepped back, startled by the intensity in the fierce eyes that were devouring him.

“Chakotay……have you…are you……I mean….”

Chakotay replied simply. He smiled that incredible smile, teeth flashing impossibly white against his brown skin, and reached his hands out pulling Tom into his arms.
It was all Tom could do not to break down then and there. He felt the heat of Chakotay’s eyes on him, the absolute stillness in the hard, poised body that seemed to touch him everywhere. He rested his head for a minute on the man’s shoulder, allowing the sensory overload to wash over him. When he felt able, he raised his head and risked eye contact.

Chakotay felt the ground lurch, unable to  look away, reeling from the emotional impact as their eyes met. He had known, he had seen the passion before, in Tom’s eyes and his own, but he was still unprepared for the shock of sensation that swept through his body, tightening every muscle, sharpening every angle. He felt Tom’s body react too, and reached out to run his thumb along Tom’s lower lip.

“Do you feel this too?”

Chakotay’s voice was soft, but sharp, with an edge of unmistakable arousal.

“Oh yes…….I feel it all….I have done for such a long time now…..”

Tom lowered his eyes, at the same time flicking his tongue over the thumb that was caressing his mouth so insistently. He tightened his grip on Chakotay’s back, arching his body forward to increase the contact.

“Are you afraid..?”

Chakotay asked the question with his mouth inches from Tom’s, and Tom answered with a tiny shake of his head, concentrating on the sensation of his tongue against the fingers that now insistently stroked his lips, slipping in and out of the hot wetness of his mouth and  along his jaw. Chakotay allowed Tom to draw a finger deep into his mouth, gasping sharply as the pilot sucked hard, drawing the whole finger further into the soft, wet depths.

Both men had their hands tangled in the others hair, pulling their faces closer together, even as they tried to maintain enough distance to keep eye contact. Chakotay let his slippery grasp slide down Tom’s jaw to his throat, thumbs stroking just in front of the ears, holding the blonde head suddenly still in his big hands.

“ Tom?”

The name was whispered as a question, and an answer.

“Yes…..Oh yes…….all of it….everything……always…”

Tom felt Chakotay’s grip tighten, and his thighs tensed against a sudden weakness.

Chakotay continued to hold Tom’s head, mesmerised by the planes of his face, by the glisten of moisture on his mouth, by the way Tom’s eyelids were half closed, as if to shield both of them from the electricity that arced in the air between them. Tom reached his arms up, sliding them between his body and Chakotay’s hands, and twisted suddenly, breaking the dark man’s grip. Confusion leapt in Chakotay’s unfocused eyes, and he began a murmur of dissent. The words were lost in the ferocity of Tom’s mouth hard against his, and he had to brace himself against the lean body pressed along his length.

The kiss was a revelation…..hard and soft at the same time, mouths locked as eyes had been before, both men gasping for breath and kissing deeper, deeper. Chakotay felt Tom’s tongue against his own, and groaned, opening his mouth wider. Teeth bit gently on his lower lip, and it was too much pleasure, his head fell back and he would have fallen if Tom hadn’t held him strongly, mouth now plundering his throat and neck.

They dropped to their knees, as they had done at the very beginning, on the dusty earth of the planet. Chakotay felt Tom’s mouth on his eyes, wet kisses across the eyelids….fingers always in his hair. He thought he might pass out from the pleasure, whispering incoherent, pleading words, knowing he was near to the edge.
Tom felt Chakotay surrender, and allowed himself a fleeting look at the beloved face, eyes closed against his mouth, lips parted and throat exposed, vulnerable, almost out of control.

As he moved his mouth lower, and felt Chakotay begin to fight to regain some sense of himself, he sat back with difficulty. His eyes were wild, blue glinting with fierce arousal. Chakotay raised his head slowly, his eyes barely focused, his body rigid with passion.

“I can’t control it…..I want you too much…”
His voice was heavy with lust, and husky with love. Tom felt his desire intensify, as he realised that Chakotay was surrendering finally to his feelings.

“I know..”

“I don’t think you do……not yet..” The ghost of a grin hovered on Chakotay’s lips.

Chakotay swayed and steadied himself, and turned away from Tom, moving backwards so that he leant against the kneeling pilot. Tom sat down, pulling Chakotay with him so that they sprawled against each other,  mimicking in reverse their positions on the planet. Then Chakotay had held Tom, while his mind and heart exploded with realisation.

Now Tom held Chakotay tightly against his chest, his fingers resting on the Commander’s stomach, stroking the quivering muscles under his hands. Chakotay twisted his head to look at Tom, reaching up to caress his face. Tom stared unflinching into the blazing light that locked their gaze together...he knew Chakotay was seeing the same conflagration in blue and silver, and he wondered if either man could begin to articulate it.

“ Has it ever been this intense…..have you felt this much for someone before…?”

Chakotay did not look away as he spoke, his voice soft and dangerously quiet. Tom smiled at the other man’s insecurity. There was a lot they didn’t know about each other’s feelings, and yet it seemed as if they had found perfect symmetry in their feelings for each other.

“No, not even close…..what about you?”

Chakotay smiled his glorious smile, and Tom shivered in the heat of it.

“Not even close……..”

July 1997